look no pants
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
