Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
we have pet lesbian snakes
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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