took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
