Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
