I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
