i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
