I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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