I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
