I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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