It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
