I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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