stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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