Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
