Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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