i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize