I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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