Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
