dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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