I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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