I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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