I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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