I accidentally had phone sex last night
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I still have a little drunk in my system
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
