It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize