she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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