I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
