bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
These tits shall not be calmed
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
