This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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