It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
