I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
