I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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