I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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