Can i not drive my cunt home
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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