i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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