I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
