I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You left your phone here
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