Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
