How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
