Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
