I want to have your abortion
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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