I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
