I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize