My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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