btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
