bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
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