You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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