she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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