I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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