I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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