I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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