we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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