I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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