I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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