Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
