My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
