absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
