Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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