last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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